I sat down to work on my portion of the summer camp curriculum but decided I'd rather write in my blog instead. I also didn't go in to school to do stuff for next week, so I'll have to do that tomorrow. I like this time of year at school. It's always fun celebrating Valentine's Day, the 100th day, and Dr. Seuss' birthday. It definitely takes more work in the planning department though.
I had a tiring week at school getting back into the swing of things after recruiting. My new student continued to terrorize me Monday and Tuesday. I felt like banging my head against the wall because I wasn't really able to teach anything well to the rest of the class while he was carrying on. Wednesday started out similarly, but then he got really out of control. When the class went to art, I took him to our principal and told her what was going on. She called his parents, and in the meantime he threw a complete tantrum and started tearing apart her office and had to be restrained. So he's not allowed to come back for the foreseeable future. I had somewhat mixed feelings about this. Mostly I felt relieved. But I also feel really bad for this kid and his mom. Our principal asked me to talk to his parents and tell them basically what had been happening in the classroom, and as I talked to them, tears started to stream down the mom's face, and it was hard to watch. It's clear she doesn't know what to do her child. He's only five and things are already really out of control. For my class's sake and for mine too I guess, I think it's for the best that he's not going to be around, but I don't know if that's what's best for him. I hope and pray he'll be able to finish the year in a kindergarten class where he's able to be successful.
I had my first observation this week the day after my student got kicked out. Things were mostly back to normal in my room, and two girls were absent, so it was pretty chill. The observation went really well, and I got all positive feedback, which was really encouraging. So often I feel like I'm just floating along with no real sense of if I'm doing well or badly or what, so it's nice to getting some frame of reference and even better that it was positive!
Yesterday at Bible Study with the teachers someone brought up next year and who'd be back and then segued into complaining about lots of things. It got really uncomfortable for me because our principal wasn't there and the conversation turned pretty negative towards some things she was doing. I was thinking lots of things, but one thing was just how easy it is to blame other people for our circumstances. It's a given that we'll always be able to blame bad grades and bad behavior on the kids and the parents and probably a lot of other things too: our tight budgets and lack of resources, our rundown building, and boring curriculum. But it's hard to make any progress doing that. I was sitting listening to my coworkers blame the administration and the ministry and the families, and I was realizing how I'm quick to place blame too, though it's in different areas. I often blame the other teachers, which is just as bad. This year more than the other years I've been with Urban Promise though I decided for the beginning of the year that I was going to have a good year of school even if I didn't get any help or support. I wasn't going to except to have any help from parents, teachers, or other staff. I knew we were getting a Head of School, and I hoped she'd be helpful, but I wasn't going to count on it. Maybe that's bad, but I felt like it was realistic with what I'd experienced the past two years. So when someone's been supportive or encouraging, I've been pleasantly surprised. I think that's part of why this job is so draining.
It's getting harder for me to hide my annoyance about things lately. Maybe I just don't care about hiding it as much. I know I look really annoyed sometimes at faculty meetings and when people say dumb stuff. At our meeting this week, I actually rolled my eyes. I felt really bad afterwards, and I hope no one saw me, but I just couldn't believe something one of the other teachers was complaining about. We have an inservice day Friday which should be interesting, and I'll probably have to work harder about controlling my facial expression or just speak up and say what I really think. We'll see.
I had a tiring week at school getting back into the swing of things after recruiting. My new student continued to terrorize me Monday and Tuesday. I felt like banging my head against the wall because I wasn't really able to teach anything well to the rest of the class while he was carrying on. Wednesday started out similarly, but then he got really out of control. When the class went to art, I took him to our principal and told her what was going on. She called his parents, and in the meantime he threw a complete tantrum and started tearing apart her office and had to be restrained. So he's not allowed to come back for the foreseeable future. I had somewhat mixed feelings about this. Mostly I felt relieved. But I also feel really bad for this kid and his mom. Our principal asked me to talk to his parents and tell them basically what had been happening in the classroom, and as I talked to them, tears started to stream down the mom's face, and it was hard to watch. It's clear she doesn't know what to do her child. He's only five and things are already really out of control. For my class's sake and for mine too I guess, I think it's for the best that he's not going to be around, but I don't know if that's what's best for him. I hope and pray he'll be able to finish the year in a kindergarten class where he's able to be successful.
I had my first observation this week the day after my student got kicked out. Things were mostly back to normal in my room, and two girls were absent, so it was pretty chill. The observation went really well, and I got all positive feedback, which was really encouraging. So often I feel like I'm just floating along with no real sense of if I'm doing well or badly or what, so it's nice to getting some frame of reference and even better that it was positive!
Yesterday at Bible Study with the teachers someone brought up next year and who'd be back and then segued into complaining about lots of things. It got really uncomfortable for me because our principal wasn't there and the conversation turned pretty negative towards some things she was doing. I was thinking lots of things, but one thing was just how easy it is to blame other people for our circumstances. It's a given that we'll always be able to blame bad grades and bad behavior on the kids and the parents and probably a lot of other things too: our tight budgets and lack of resources, our rundown building, and boring curriculum. But it's hard to make any progress doing that. I was sitting listening to my coworkers blame the administration and the ministry and the families, and I was realizing how I'm quick to place blame too, though it's in different areas. I often blame the other teachers, which is just as bad. This year more than the other years I've been with Urban Promise though I decided for the beginning of the year that I was going to have a good year of school even if I didn't get any help or support. I wasn't going to except to have any help from parents, teachers, or other staff. I knew we were getting a Head of School, and I hoped she'd be helpful, but I wasn't going to count on it. Maybe that's bad, but I felt like it was realistic with what I'd experienced the past two years. So when someone's been supportive or encouraging, I've been pleasantly surprised. I think that's part of why this job is so draining.
It's getting harder for me to hide my annoyance about things lately. Maybe I just don't care about hiding it as much. I know I look really annoyed sometimes at faculty meetings and when people say dumb stuff. At our meeting this week, I actually rolled my eyes. I felt really bad afterwards, and I hope no one saw me, but I just couldn't believe something one of the other teachers was complaining about. We have an inservice day Friday which should be interesting, and I'll probably have to work harder about controlling my facial expression or just speak up and say what I really think. We'll see.
Comments
You can, and should, acknowledge your feelings about a child and a family in what might seem like nearly hopeless circumstances. Above all, though, as you suggest, it's a call to prayer, for conversation with God from the depths of your soul and of your faith in God's love, power, and healing mercy. Likewise for the feelings you're struggling with as part of the Urban Promise community.
It occurs to me that spiritual direction, either one-on-one or in a group, might be helpful as a way of discerning God's movement in your life and in the world as you follow out your call. We weren't meant to make the journey alone, and thankfully for the past half-century or so our tradition has been rediscovering this ancient way of traveling together.